i actually didn’t know what that meant until i wikipediaed it. something about a change of belief once a scientific theory has been proven otherwise…or something. so i’ve spent the whole week by myself pretty much, sitting in my room and doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper. not really getting much schoolwork done, but just being by myself plenty. i spent less than an hour in the quad total this week…something that hasn’t occured since the year began. Oh, actually i went to watch heroes, but that was with annie who was dealing w/ nic. I went in twice during the day, and spent a little time talking to jon, but he and i are virtually disconnected now as far as i see it. i’ll ask him how he’s doing and respond to common stimuli (lol wtf) but no more attempts to track him down and make him listen to me. much less make him talk to me. i don’t even care anymore, to be honest. as for nicole i haven’t talked to her in two or three weeks about anything substantial. i’m bitter, i guess. i know i’m bitter, but i really don’t feel like trying to mend anything at this point. i’d rather just overcome my bitterness by changing focus.

speaking of which, i’ve been trying (painfully) to figure out what i want to do after psychology, both in the sense of a second major and as a career. my head hurts from having stared at a computer for the last 3 hours straight. being by myself is killing my brain cells. anyways, after a few days of complaining to everyone that would listen (minus the aforementioned couple), i got the notion to look more into political science as a prereq for law school. and i know virtually nothing about law school, so i figured i would set myself on finding out more about it. i went on the uiuc pre-law advising site and read all about the curriculum, but i still don’t know what the life would be like both in law school and beyond. and unlike the structured guidelines that pre-med students follow, there’s nothing required of pre-law students. this freaks me out, but at the same time intrigues me, since i happen to be on a ‘try-things-you-normally-wouldn’t’ binge. so after talking this over with some other people and looking at the sorts of skills required of law students, i thought i’d go visit the pre-law advisor (with whom i made an appt.), visit the pre-law club (where i asked a student what i might do to find out more about law), and track down renee chacko (which i still need to do). then i planned out the rest of my 8 semesters w/ both a psych and a polisci curriculum, and i can graduate in 7 semesters if i want to, but i don’t know how i want to fit in a semester abroad, since i feel compelled to do that. I just really want to get away right now, and i explained to nathan lord that i’m tired of only serving the christian community (and predominantly IV at that), and not serving the non-christian community enough (or at all). I’ve gotten comfortable and disgruntled at myself for that, and I wanna do something out of the norm. i feel like at this point i’ve forgotten how to appreciate God because I don’t see him in my community much anymore. and i miss Him so much. but I don’t know how to connect with him on my own. and i want Him back more than anything, b/c my life is empty and meaningless and stupid without Him. i feel unworthy all the time now b/c I can’t focus on Jesus. and i have to say, i’m tired of my community. the only thing holding me to it is the fate of the freshmen…especially nathan and jeff…but i don’t know how i can help them when i can’t help myself at this point. i pray so much that they keep growing in Christ if i step down and leadership dwindles. b/c a big part of me just doesn’t wanna be so invested in IV anymore. I’m gonna be lonely, and I’m still going to need the fellowship and people to count on for my faith, but I need something new. Eric told me once that i’m never going to be content with any group i turn to unless i turn to God first, but I really need Him to make the first move for me right now. At the same time, I find myself becoming more like Rachel Mowery. I really look up to her, and i’m not sure how my next semester’s gonna look like without her. not to mention next year when sarah and rachel keung leave me too. tyler and jack and even jamaal will be gone too, and i think that’ll just make me shy away from IV even more. i’ll still have nathan to talk to, but there’s awkwardness there that i don’t think will ever go away. he’s great to talk to from afar, and i think that’s the only way i’ll ever be comfortable talking to him. unfortunately. i’m worried about next year for sure, but i feel that God’s gonna provide for me, in ways that i can’t fathom right now, and i can take some comfort in that. i need to learn to live with uncertainty although it’s the greatest thing that plagues me. Oh so, Rachel Mowery. Last night she and Christie (she’ll be leaving me too…and i just met her. sigh.) talked in my room for a few hours about boys and faith and i kept thinking ‘wow i love talking to people that share my values but aren’t caught up in the blandness and troubles of IV’. and Rachel is involved in stuff (maybe not as much as i’d like to be) and sees IV’s faults and turns from those, but still stays strong in her faith through other ways. And she’s so headstrong in her values and commitment, and I want to have that. I don’t want the goings-on of my life to dictate my every emotion. i need things to shake up my life, b/c every in it right now is so routine and therefore half-hearted and unfruitful, and i want dynamicism so i can see more movement. I felt it in Taiwan, and I want to feel it again. Here isn’t enough for me anymore. I keep looking to the far future, and what i’m going to end up doing and how i might change it now, and i’m getting restless and anxious. and that’s all i feel up to saying right now; i think i’m gonna go to bed. sarah’s gone this weekend and i’ve had even more time to myself. for a little bit of my pms-y week she bothered me with some of her mannerisms, but ultimately there were good times when i can’t think of anyone i’d rather room with right now.