It’s been awhile since I last posted. I guess I just don’t feel like thinking sometimes, and to keep things simple as much as I can, otherwise I get too emotionally invested and then it’s just detrimental. But this last week was schoolish hell, what with 3 exams and a whole lot of sadness going on. There’s so much sadness now. People are so discontent with what we’ve got to deal with. Jon and Nicole are official now, and just being around them is awkward. I…can’t associate the two of them together w/o feeling weird. They were never…in the same social groupings that I put people in last year, and having the two of them together now is just odd. it doesn’t help that jon’s shutting off from other people a little more now, and nicole seems to not trust me. I mean, jon’s still good to me, probably because i’ve made myself be around him so much in the past that he’s receptive to changes in my behvaior. As for everyone else, he’s seemed to stop talking to and started being overly formal. sarah’s pretty scorned by the whole deal, and justly so. yinting’s being a little more neurotic and stubborn this year, and i honestly don’t know how to deal with her sometimes. or even how to defend her when other people complain. And i’m the kind of person that usually strives to promote good-feelings towards others in the group, but lately i just feel defeated and pooped. And i feel weaker and just overall disappointed. Oh, and nicole still never tells me anything about jon, which might be a lack of my own effort to make her talk to me. But what cut me pretty deep is that she never even mentioned rooming with me or considering me or anything, but went ahead and told me that she’s rooming with laura next year. I think that’s fine that they are, and I know i can find someone else…but just the fact that i got hit with that and that i was evidently never even factored into the equation hurts a lot. And there’s no way to bring that up…so I have no option but to suck it up and pretend it doesn’t matter. But I have to work with her for another year after this…so if things don’t get better then I’m not sure how this is going to work out. So now i’m not sure if we’re ever going to be close friends. I remember a time last year when nicole and i were tight and that we’d tell each other things about our lives and communicate like we were equals. But the difference now, i feel like could be because she considers herself older than me/the other girls…because she often states that she’s a junior technically, and the fact that she’s dating Jon seems to put her above the rest of us. This is all speculation about her behavior/distrust of the rest of us, but it makes some sense to me. Thus, I have no idea how I’m supposed to behave towards her…like just accept that she’s ‘older’ and that i ought to turn to her for guidance but not vice versa…or if i should state my position that we’re actually equals (even academically). For now i can’t seem to shake the former, and i can only reciprocate based on how she’s treating me. Which is silly, and it bothers me, but there doesn’t seem to be much that I can do. And two of my confidantes are now basically one unit of which I can’t share some things with one or the other and it’s throwing me out of whack. And Sarah and Yinting and Annie and Rachel M all feel the weirdness and it’s kind of hard to ignore cuz theyre both very…touchy people. I honestly feel like it’s an unhealthy relationship in regard to the people around them, but it’s nothing that can be brought up or solved. So…there’s just a lot in my life right now going on that I don’t understand and I don’t know how to understand/solve. There’s my social group and my social outlets, my position in IV next semester/year, the church i should be grounded in and how i should express my faith outside of IV, my career choices and what i should do with the rest of college, and how i ought to deal with my loneliness/singleness. I just feel like there’s a lot of WEIGHT on me right now. My life feels heavy, and I feel heavy, and the future looks heavy. If I knew where things were going, life would be much much easier for me right now. So now is probably just a really difficult time of trials…and it’s hard to see beyond it but i guess this whole thing is just a trial. And … if i turn to God, I’ll make it through. But I need to learn how to look to God. When I’m weak, it’s harder for me to know how God’s gonna work in my life. because things look/feel hopeless, and my own inadequacies reflect upon how powerful i think God is. it’s hard to stop looking at myself and to look at God as God. So I need the Lord to pull my gaze away from myself and towards Him. I see God as a God who fixes things like I would…and that I fix things like God would. This is totally inaccurate, but my mindset is so. So I need to learn that God does things in His own way, and though I may be completely inadequate and incompetent, God is omnipotent in every way possible. And He will turn things around and change my heart and my mind and bring me rest and peace if I surrender myself and my abilities to him. They’re not mine, but His. If I only knew what surrender looked like, and how I ought to get there. Lord, please pull me out of the mire.

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