i would walk 500 miles

just wanted to try the photo addition function. my belly hurts.

so evidently i’ve lost the ability to tell when i’m gonna be on the rag soon. and that i keep getting emotional and moody for that reason. i THINK that i’m getting depressed cuz of what’s going on around me, but nope. it’s just my hormones out of whack. stupid hormones. so stupid. next time i need to cry i think i’m just gonna eat some chocolate and suck it up. and maybe punch a wall.

so i need to sort out some of my intentions and feelings and separate the two of those. there’s a certain boy, and i’ll just refer to him as E for convenience’s sake. so i feel like i’m trying to convince myself that E is a romantic possibility for me despite the fact that i’m not overtly attracted to him. I don’t even know if I need to be. Something about me right now just doesn’t remember what it ought to feel like when i really like a boy. and for some reason i still have this empty loneliness that i need to fill, but neither my heart nor my head are feeling particularly drawn towards E. But i think i’ve managed to brainwash myself into seeking out his face and his name wherever i might expect him. This is probably not good. He’s a funny guy, but at the same time i feel like i’m convincing myself that he’s funny, and that he’s cute, and that he’s … perhaps and JUST POSSIBLY someone that could grow on me. Gosh, this is so bad. But every other guy that i’ve ever liked I’ve known for months before actually admitting to myself that I liked him. And even still, I wouldn’t ever do anything about it. I barely know E besides what Nicole says about him, and I don’t even know how i’d get to know him better. I don’t know how he feels towards me, and whether i’d be compatible with him at all. but … no what? I’m bored, I really am, and I’m almost just on the verge of taking whatever I can get just to give it a test run. A test run. sigh, what IS that. what’s going on with ME? I’ve never felt…so…blase about my love life. My better judgment is telling me not to pursue anything or let myself be pursued and give in in case things go horribly wrong and i end up hurting him or myself or it’s all just a waste of time even. But i’m…SO BORED. is 19 years where i crack? Am i really just gonna give up and give in after all this time just to try it out? what happened to not wanting to date just anybody and wanting to date with the intent to find the RIGHT guy for LIFE. I…don’t…know E to make that call. I didn’t even consider E a week ago…and recent events have pushed me into making myself think that there could be something. just to take my mind off certain things and to explore other things. As for the other things, yea actually i’ve been able to stop thinking about what i shouldn’t care so much about and to redirect that attention to…bonding with some people without tension there from myself. (so vague, but i dont feel comfortable divulging too much info online) So…I don’t know what I’m going to do. About E. and if that goes away, how things might go back to the way they were from sad emo pin-ya last week. ugh. lame.