when it says that mary treasured all those things in her heart, the word ‘treasured’ is odd. if i were a mother and knew that my child was going to be the savior of the world, i think i’d be more ‘freaked out’, than ‘treasuring’ all those words. but that’s why she’s mary and i’m not. oO.

so it’s been a crazy week. i’ve been busy as heck, and there are a lot of things on my mind and off of it that shouldn’t be. maybe blogging will make me feel better. As for all my academic/technical things, they’re going great. God’s given me (i still feel…weird saying that. even though i know i mean it, saying that i’ve been blessed or whatever makes me feel so…pseudo-spiritual. *shrug*) well yea, i’ve been given the botox/God psyc 290 position (one of 3 spots, dangg), crisis nursery is letting me come every saturday with no more extra hassle, my convopartner is a dear, and classes are still easy. Oh, and small group is still good so far; people are still talking and for some reason I’m able to talk fluidly and …interestingly. Thank God for that. When I look at things like that, I feel very loved and taken care of. So honestly, I don’t understand my own discontent. I’m not entirely sure what it would take to make me happy. And I realize now, or rather more fully, how vulnerable and influenced my whole being is by what’s going on around me. Either it’s the weather, or my friends, or me accidentally bumping someone with my bike. And i’ve been left not really being sure how i’m supposed to feel. It’s almost like I’m controlling my life from the outside and only temporarily so, and that i’m just trying to keep from screwing things up until the real owner of this life comes back and then i can breathe. It’s one of the most … stressful things feeling like i need to keep hanging on, hanging on until some future point that i’m unaware of. I just wanna hand the controls to someone else more capable than i am. cuz i’m only doing a satisfactory job. like many things i’m my life, i’m only doing a maybe…above-average job. Like people from the outside look at my life and get the impression that i’m a good person, and that i’m relatively smart, relatively put-together, and that i ‘try’. but i am so not satisfied with myself. and how i’m gonna figure out what that is completely escaping me. i feel like i’m letting the world down and they don’t even know it, and i’m not ‘letting God down’, but that He knows i could be doing a better job. I know He’s not judging me, He’s just waiting to see if I start to get it right. And always feeling this is going to break me. My birthday was last week, and surprisingly…everybody in Allen IV threw me a surprise birthday party. and …i just didn’t really know how to respond. i mean, i was HAPPY, but through the smiles and hugs and laughter, there was something weighing down on my heart telling me that i didn’t deserve that, not really. Maybe no one else does, and probably no more than i do, and yes i would do that for them, but i want to deserve things. I want to be somebody that is worthy of being loved. and dangit, i ought to feel like that already, but it’s so hard for me sometimes. i just feel unworthy too often. if i knew what to do, and if i really already had the motivation to, i think things would’ve changed already. but the way things are, and the way they make me feel, it’s hard to. when people around me are at conflict, then i am at conflict with myself. and it’s silly. but i feel like i need to take it upon me to fix things. like…now…