i would walk 500 miles

just wanted to try the photo addition function. my belly hurts.

so evidently i’ve lost the ability to tell when i’m gonna be on the rag soon. and that i keep getting emotional and moody for that reason. i THINK that i’m getting depressed cuz of what’s going on around me, but nope. it’s just my hormones out of whack. stupid hormones. so stupid. next time i need to cry i think i’m just gonna eat some chocolate and suck it up. and maybe punch a wall.

so i need to sort out some of my intentions and feelings and separate the two of those. there’s a certain boy, and i’ll just refer to him as E for convenience’s sake. so i feel like i’m trying to convince myself that E is a romantic possibility for me despite the fact that i’m not overtly attracted to him. I don’t even know if I need to be. Something about me right now just doesn’t remember what it ought to feel like when i really like a boy. and for some reason i still have this empty loneliness that i need to fill, but neither my heart nor my head are feeling particularly drawn towards E. But i think i’ve managed to brainwash myself into seeking out his face and his name wherever i might expect him. This is probably not good. He’s a funny guy, but at the same time i feel like i’m convincing myself that he’s funny, and that he’s cute, and that he’s … perhaps and JUST POSSIBLY someone that could grow on me. Gosh, this is so bad. But every other guy that i’ve ever liked I’ve known for months before actually admitting to myself that I liked him. And even still, I wouldn’t ever do anything about it. I barely know E besides what Nicole says about him, and I don’t even know how i’d get to know him better. I don’t know how he feels towards me, and whether i’d be compatible with him at all. but … no what? I’m bored, I really am, and I’m almost just on the verge of taking whatever I can get just to give it a test run. A test run. sigh, what IS that. what’s going on with ME? I’ve never felt…so…blase about my love life. My better judgment is telling me not to pursue anything or let myself be pursued and give in in case things go horribly wrong and i end up hurting him or myself or it’s all just a waste of time even. But i’m…SO BORED. is 19 years where i crack? Am i really just gonna give up and give in after all this time just to try it out? what happened to not wanting to date just anybody and wanting to date with the intent to find the RIGHT guy for LIFE. I…don’t…know E to make that call. I didn’t even consider E a week ago…and recent events have pushed me into making myself think that there could be something. just to take my mind off certain things and to explore other things. As for the other things, yea actually i’ve been able to stop thinking about what i shouldn’t care so much about and to redirect that attention to…bonding with some people without tension there from myself. (so vague, but i dont feel comfortable divulging too much info online) So…I don’t know what I’m going to do. About E. and if that goes away, how things might go back to the way they were from sad emo pin-ya last week. ugh. lame.

treasured all these things

when it says that mary treasured all those things in her heart, the word ‘treasured’ is odd. if i were a mother and knew that my child was going to be the savior of the world, i think i’d be more ‘freaked out’, than ‘treasuring’ all those words. but that’s why she’s mary and i’m not. oO.

so it’s been a crazy week. i’ve been busy as heck, and there are a lot of things on my mind and off of it that shouldn’t be. maybe blogging will make me feel better. As for all my academic/technical things, they’re going great. God’s given me (i still feel…weird saying that. even though i know i mean it, saying that i’ve been blessed or whatever makes me feel so…pseudo-spiritual. *shrug*) well yea, i’ve been given the botox/God psyc 290 position (one of 3 spots, dangg), crisis nursery is letting me come every saturday with no more extra hassle, my convopartner is a dear, and classes are still easy. Oh, and small group is still good so far; people are still talking and for some reason I’m able to talk fluidly and …interestingly. Thank God for that. When I look at things like that, I feel very loved and taken care of. So honestly, I don’t understand my own discontent. I’m not entirely sure what it would take to make me happy. And I realize now, or rather more fully, how vulnerable and influenced my whole being is by what’s going on around me. Either it’s the weather, or my friends, or me accidentally bumping someone with my bike. And i’ve been left not really being sure how i’m supposed to feel. It’s almost like I’m controlling my life from the outside and only temporarily so, and that i’m just trying to keep from screwing things up until the real owner of this life comes back and then i can breathe. It’s one of the most … stressful things feeling like i need to keep hanging on, hanging on until some future point that i’m unaware of. I just wanna hand the controls to someone else more capable than i am. cuz i’m only doing a satisfactory job. like many things i’m my life, i’m only doing a maybe…above-average job. Like people from the outside look at my life and get the impression that i’m a good person, and that i’m relatively smart, relatively put-together, and that i ‘try’. but i am so not satisfied with myself. and how i’m gonna figure out what that is completely escaping me. i feel like i’m letting the world down and they don’t even know it, and i’m not ‘letting God down’, but that He knows i could be doing a better job. I know He’s not judging me, He’s just waiting to see if I start to get it right. And always feeling this is going to break me. My birthday was last week, and surprisingly…everybody in Allen IV threw me a surprise birthday party. and …i just didn’t really know how to respond. i mean, i was HAPPY, but through the smiles and hugs and laughter, there was something weighing down on my heart telling me that i didn’t deserve that, not really. Maybe no one else does, and probably no more than i do, and yes i would do that for them, but i want to deserve things. I want to be somebody that is worthy of being loved. and dangit, i ought to feel like that already, but it’s so hard for me sometimes. i just feel unworthy too often. if i knew what to do, and if i really already had the motivation to, i think things would’ve changed already. but the way things are, and the way they make me feel, it’s hard to. when people around me are at conflict, then i am at conflict with myself. and it’s silly. but i feel like i need to take it upon me to fix things. like…now…

boardom

sarah’s not here, i skipped advertising cuz it’s flippin’ rainy outside, and i’ve organized all my dates/papers for the week. So now i’m just sitting here trying to figure out what to do. i wonder where everyone else is. this is gonna just be a basic ramble and we’ll see what happens. i might find a subject, and wander off on a tangent if i get bored. sooo. my small group. rachel keung, amy gray, rachel kaplan, and sarah showed up. i was kinda sad that bernice and diane didn’t come, but i’ll ask em about it later. but we DID schedule a sg dinner next tuesday before SG. I’m so proud and happy about the 2 freshmen that came. they’ve already got a really good grasp on bible study, and kept jumping in with thoughts and observations, and it made me feel all excited and fuzzy. and it went smoothly for me, i think. i was scared that i was gonna resort to umm-ing and uhh-ing when i lost my train of thought or wasn’t sure what to do next. but by the grace of God i managed to keep focused and such. besides the fact that i was too afraid to say ‘take off your shoes’ and just kept mumbling ‘sewws’ everytime they walked in…i’ll work on being more intentional about trivial things like that oO. but yea, even rachel keung kept saying that it went well. ahh i can only hope this is a beautiful beginning to an even more beautiful SG this year. *prays*. well i’d write about Jon and Nicole and Mikey or whatever but i really just don’t wanna think about that right now. it’s none of my business besides the fact that it makes me sad that things are so different…but whatever. things will even out i think. i hope and pray that things will even out. although i can’t help feeling jealous of nicole sometimes that she’s able to connect with those 2 guys in the way that i wish i could but evidently can’t. it might be my fault, or it might be some other underlying factor that i’m not consciously aware of. however, i’m sure part of it is me too. i’m intimidated by jon and can’t act normally around him, and i also just don’t know what to do about mikey. he frustrates me with his behavior and yet i just pity him. i just pity him. -_- sarah and i are getting along just dandily. i get lots of ‘words of affirmation’ from her mixed in with the joking insults and derogatory remarks she throws at me quite often. but i know she loves me so whatevs. ahhh i have a lot on my plate, what with IV SG leading, convopartners, crisis nursery, classes, KCSA, piano lessons, and maybe a PSYC 290. theoretically it’ll work out, but i feel like i’m already running places all the time. but i AM using mary kim’s bike now and that makes life a heck of a lot easier, although i still feel like i’m going to run someone over ever second i’m on that thing. lemme think how many hours that entails…1.5 of selfprep/SG, 1.25 of bible prep, 2 of one-on-one/team mtgs, 1 of convopartnership, 2.5 of crisis nursery/commuting, classes w/e, KCSA maybe 1 a week, piano lesson/practice around 1.5, psyc 290 around 6-7. so added up that’s…almost 18 hours a week. and i have about 10 hours of free time during the week before 5 pm. and after that, whatever. but that DOES mean that i’m packed in there. (oh crisis nursery is saturday, so minus 2.5). ehh. i think i can do it. i just want to have time for my SG members too. aish. i think i’m gonna make some paper flowers now to put on top of the microwave.