it seems like the light is so bright that it’s blinding, and i’m stumbling towards it with my hands in front of me, not sure where i’m going but going nonetheless. since last year at school i’ve been on a non-stop track to serving God more and more…not just in my actions and my activities but my entire mindset and attitude. but there’s part of that feels like i’m being brainwashed almost. i lie in bed and just want to raise my arms to the sky and just sway, and i find that weird and almost unbelievable. and i can’t figure out why i want to do it, but can’t do it without feeling fake and uncomfortable, like i’m watching myself from afar and not really doing it myself. i want to feel it, and i want it to be true for me, and i know that it would be amazing to mean it. but the awareness that what i’m doing is ‘odd’ stares me in the face whenever i try lifting my hands are closing my eyes. i’m afraid to close my eyes, like if i do, something could hurt me while i’m not on my guard. where is the faith that i’m protected? i might be more stressed out/paranoid than i think i am. apparently i grind my teeth in my sleep, elsie found a white hair on me, my shoulders are always tensed, and my heart rate is ridiculously high. oh no i’m probably aging faster than i should. shoot. i wanna be at peace…how do i do that? i’ve always been too self-dependent. i’ve only ever entirely trusted myself, and it’s been difficult learning to channel that towards God. I feel like i’m gradually making progress, but i can’t seem to put my own guard down so that He can put His up.