You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2008.
i’m still tired. i can’t hold my eyes open very long, and i just feel like being alone. or i know i shouldn’t be alone, but i can’t bring myself to go find people. so i’m just sitting here typing up notes and doing reading that i normally wouldn’t do. i think i’m either crashing or pms-ing. i hope it’s the latter. if i don’t get out of this slump, my SG is gonna be in troubleee. speaking of which, i need to figure out when bible prep is. but yinting wrote all my invites for me (what a dear.) and i need to hand them out tomorrow. besides that, i’m pretty good. classes seem ridiculously easy. I don’t think i even need to show up to social psych or advertising. and maybe not even world music and ed psych…but i won’t risk it. actually i’m gonna try not to let myself fall into the skipping slump. i’d vow not to miss class, but i don’t know how hard this semester is gonna be yet…so we shall see. but i just want to get into the swing of things already. i wish this new-froshie thing would settle down already and that whoever is gonna be ‘one of us’ would be. but at the same time i can’t see many of the kids i’ve met so far fitting in with the quad-crowd. maybe nathan alderman but it runs in his blood i guess. and hardly; ryan wasn’t even around much. i’m not sure if i’ll be able to be around the quad so much if i want to really connect with my new SG members…gah this is gonna be hard. i wanted one girl that i could mentor this year, and Amy is a big girl who seems like she’ll probably have her own agenda, rachel seems like she’s scared of IV and has her own church group already, i haven’t even really met diane, and bernice is leaving at the end of the semester. oy. maybe someone will show up along the way. i can only pray so. or maybe He has something else in store for me. i dont know. but … hm at the moment i’m feeling kind of lonely. like i want a man-hug. but i’m not gonna think too hard about that. it’s just something that hits me every so often. man-hug. sigh. ok pin-ya, be happy, be happy. it’s my job to be happy right now. gah. i want to be happy.
i’m so tired right now. i guess walking a mile back from the sweet corn festival does that. but i wasn’t itchy…my legs are getting reaccustomed to walking again! woohoo. it’s been an intense three days. but i’ve got a pocketful of great evangelistic stories now. i can’t say how much i’ve been blessed these past few days have been. hoo boy i’m really tired. anyhow so i went and bought books from ibx people in front of the union on thursday and one of the people didn’t show up, so i ended up getting back to allen later than i had planned. but on the way into allen i saw aaron standing in the driveway, and i said hi and asked him if he was going someplace. and he said that he was going to praise team practice at church with jacob. so that prompted me to tell him about IV and the water tables and encourage him to check out fellowships. that was some divine appointment there. then yesterday at dinner i ate with a handful of new people, but then towards the end i went to get a knife for my peach and saw a girl sitting by herself and went to join her. turns out she’s from arizona and doesn’t know anybody, so (Daisy) had been by herself for a few days. I found out that she lives in LAR and is still exploring Christianity but wants to get into a fellowship. she doesn’t intend to stay past a year and actually transfer to UCSD next year (ha dunno if that will follow thru). Nerijus showed up and ate with us too and i learned a lot about her views on corporate religion and it actually reflects me a bit…with her desire for diversity and not wanting to be confined to only her church friends. So she told me she’d like to come to TCBC with me and maybe monday LG. I got her contact info and stuff and gave it to Brittany to follow-up with. Then that night i saw Sheng from cccyg at late nighter and went to talk to him even though i was pretty sure he wouldn’t really know me at all and want to talk…but he was surprisingly excited to see me. haha it was great. he told me he was looking into fellowships and that he was really enjoying UofI. So good to hear. so i invited him to urbana LG but realized he lives in Forbes so that’s in champaign so i called this morning to ask if he’d rather go to champaign LG and he’ll be calling me back. And today i saw michelle in the dining hall and i asked her about looking for fellowships and such, but she said no not yet. so i got her contact info and gave it to brittany too. I feel like i’m doing LAR more of a service than i am for allen. hahah. i am very jaded right now from NSO events, and walking a mile back was the last straw i think. but i had offered earlier to wash all the IV shirts so i just dropped that off in the washer. gah i’m so pooped. so for some bad news, it seems that hoyoon from our chapter tried to kill himself wednesday night. he was always a bit off i think, and i think if i had known him better i might have seen that tendency in him. from what i knew of him, he was the kind of guy who sensed when people were uncomfortable with him but didn’t know how to adjust his own behavior. but he had sat at our table that morning and seemed pretty normal…he even prayed with us and i was musing about how honest and i guess for him…’heartfelt’ his prayers were. they were odd but i admired him for really meaning his prayer. something must have triggered something that night i guess. but he’s in the hospital now and we’re not supposed to contact him. i guess this way he’ll be getting therapy and hopefully, i pray, be able to do alright soon. so…i’ve been meeting even more new people, and missing this Amy Gray girl that is never there when i knock, and i’m not here when she shows up. ha shoot. i’ll find her eventually. but for now i just wanna rest. cuz i need to seriously recharge my batteries before classes start…
so that’s what i named my first back-to-school facebook album.
packing was easy; i just organized some clothes and moved some stuff around in my boxes and such. i met up with a couple of people (rachna, eric, serena, dani, michelle, kevin leslie, stacy, anchin) over the week and went to church and saw people, so that’s pretty much all i really needed. i got my fill of home with my folks, and did some more shopping and ran all my errands. i still feel iffy admitting it, but i think i’m getting along better with my parents now…i didn’t sleep the whole way back to school anyways. maybe it’s just being apart for 2 months and having lots to say. maybe it’s my new fluency (sort of) in mandarin. maybe i’m just starting to appreciate them/be open to being open more. but all in all, it’s nice to start connecting with them.
and now i’m back at school. moving in was a cinch, and started seeing familiar faces. it’s been mostly blitz and sg leader training, and it hasn’t been that taxing. i felt slightly on edge yesterday/this morning but i’ve calmed down, thank God. i guess i’ll summarize some of what i’ve gone through… first day was at the loft and we ate and hung out. worship was wonderful…it was so refreshing to be in that place again after so long in a place where i couldn’t completely put myself into the worship. and since i tried to with the Chinese songs, i think it’s even easier for me to immerse myself in IV worship that i’m already comfortable with. And perhaps not doing worship team this semester will be good for me to evaluate where i stand with what worship should be. that was wordy. basically i need to humble myself and not focus on the quality of my vocals. so i know now that i’ve learned something from being in Taiwan. and it makes me feel fuzzy inside knowing that i was sent there for a good reason. that ‘spur of the moment’ was a push from God. sweet, i should listen to those more often. oh anyways, so jenny klaus talked about how the field is ripe for the harvest and that that harvest is NOW. i have this jumpy on-the-edge spirit inside of my heart right now just kicking and shoving to get out there and outreach, and i feel restless. like i have things to do but i’m not sure how and with who and to who and just walking through the hall i want to ask every person for their name and their year and major and it seems implausible but i at least want to smile and say hi and my name. ahhhhh! but i released some of that tonight at game night and met a handful of freshmen playing kemps. going around in a circle so i don’t forget…there was aaron on 4th, kevin on 3rd, nora on 4th, mike on 1st?, mark, lauren on 4th, jack, rachel, jacob on 4th. haha nicole noticed that aaron was wearing a WWJD bracelet. this makes me excited. too bad there are so few freshman on 3rd. shoot. well this morning we had worship again (i love hymns), and then QT about the Samaritan woman, and then Katie talked about approaching new people and connecting with them etc, and then we ran through some role playing at the water tables, outside za’s, walking home from LG, etc. And then we had Subway and took a break. When we came back we split up into seminars and the first one i went to was on cross-cultural
Seattle, Washington/08-11-08/12:40 a.m. Eastern
There’s a girl yelling to someone next to my waiting area and everyone’s turning and staring at her, but either she doesn’t care, or she’s completely oblivious that she’s being obnoxious. Maybe I’m bitter, maybe I haven’t had enough sleep, but I’m pretty bored waiting at gate A14 right now. I feel unsettled. I’ve decided people in Seattle aren’t nice…they’re so intimidating. I feel like an idiot when I’m talking to them. Maybe this city just makes people irritable…because it never sleeps? But I feel like all the customs officers were really racist, either intentionally or not, but their agricultural check was completely un-random…and I’m not sure why I got picked for it…I waited for 45 minutes just to be sent on my way within 1 minute of putting my luggage on the belt. Note to self: don’t move to Seattle, ever. Within 15 minutes of being on American soil, I felt like getting the heck outta here. Maybe Cincinnati won’t be so disappointing. As far as I can remember, it isn’t. As for before getting here, it was alright. Aunt He-Mei, Aunt Rui-Ri and her husband, my eldest aunt, Ting-ting, and Jasper came to send me off. I like Jasper, nice fellow. Hopefully Ting-ting doesn’t mess things up between them before they get a chance to reach their relationship’s full potential. Anyhow we got there super early because of my mother’s phone calls, so my eldest aunt bought me this adorable owl solar-powered bobble-head thing and I got myself a postcard to put on my bulletin board. Then they bought me ice cream. Finally my mom kept calling to make me go in and let them go home, so we went down and I started crying first and hugged everyone goodbye. Boarding the plane was easy, and the 11 hour flight went by so fast. I sat next to a Filipina-looking girl. She slept nearly the entire time and didn’t get up at all, and I guess she was just uncomfortable the entire time but held her composure well, because she ended up using her sick bag during the last 10 minutes of the flight. Poor girl. I slept around 5-6 hours and watched movies the rest of the time and before I knew it, we were in Seattle. It felt like a 4 hour flight, but I watched Kung Fu Panda, 88 Minutes, Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and part of Iron Man, so I guess I was awake a lot longer. I wonder how much I threw off my sleep schedule and if it’ll make my jet lag easier to deal with. As for right now, I’m not sure if I need a ticket, because I’m on a connecting flight. Hopefully not? I’ll go ask the clerk at the counter in a little bit. I think part of my awkwardness/embarrassment was the fact that I had had coffee and was seriously wired and couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I haven’t felt tired since I had it, so I guess that’s the trade-off. But black coffee with 2 sugars and a cream should probably be consumed sparingly. And now I’ve nothing better to do but sit here. I hate bitter, sleep-deprived me. It makes me feel like one of the people that I’m pissed off at, and the hypocrisy is frustrating. I should definitely take a nap on the plane. It’ll be 2:40 a.m. anyways. I’m thinking of my next two weeks and how overwhelming they’re going to be…I guess now would be a good time to pray to God to keep me sane and composed and let things come to me one step at a time. Oh, and that I might stay nice. Yesterday we were in the car on the way to the airport and my aunts for some reason that I don’t remember started talking about Christians that they know. And Aunt Rui-Ri said that a Christian couple on their 3rd floor that happen to be elders in their church never even say hello to them on the elevator. Not even a smile. And it hurt really bad for some reason to hear them say that this was their impression of Christians. Yet, there’s nothing I can do but pray that somehow my behavior and actions might somehow change their impression, and that once I’m gone some other believer might shine a good light in their lives. It’s so regrettable, and I guess for many of us we don’t even realize that with the tag ‘Christian’ comes…great responsibility. Maybe it’s something that we ought to focus on first, even before the whole blatant evangelism bit. I think it’s even more important that explaining the gospel initially. It makes sense to me that one should earn someone’s trust and respect before they would even take you seriously and not as another religious hack trying to convert them. The impression that I would want someone to get when I explain the gospel to them is that I want the best for them, and to give them the joy that I myself experience. Too often they would think (and this is from being a non-believer up ‘til my teens) that the church is pressuring us to evangelize and that we don’t really know what we’re talking about. Even though they might know that we mean well, our true intentions aren’t known to perhaps them or us. Our interpersonal relationship isn’t enough of a catalyst for our words and efforts to mean anything beyond courtesy and ‘nice-neighbor-ness’. I’d rather really mean it when I evangelize to someone…that what I’m saying is fueled by real intent to save them. Because that’s really what it is…we tell the message of Jesus to save them, that they can have the everlasting joy and life that we ourselves have experienced. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel confident enough to say what I know, and I think they would realize that too. So personally, and I can’t say this for everyone, but I’d rather approach new people with an attitude that says “Hi, I’d like to be your friend and let your get a glimpse of Jesus’ love through me” and not one that says “Hi, you should accept Jesus as your personal savior because that’s a good thing”. And I’d like to say what I mean and as importantly, mean what I say. And I’m going to end on that cheese-ball statement and go back to listening to Johnny Mayer. Another hour and a half ‘til take-off.
i’ve spent the whole day watching jake and amir videos. gosh wayy too addicting. how come things that are clean and good for you not fun?? i understand why things that aren’t good are seriously addicting, but why can’t …i dunno, national geographic documentaries be that interesting? gah, trying to be productively strait-laced is so difficult when you have 9 hours of free time with a laptop every day. but anyways, i only have one more day of this and then it’s over. oh boy oh boy, home. and trying to find my way home. meh.
so things i want to accomplish and do this coming year…i made a list of the extracurric’s i wanna get involved with, so i’ll start there i guess.
Krannert Center Student Assn. – 6+ tours a semester @ 3pm, ushering, mtgs, newsletter?
IV Small group leading – 4+ hrs a week (+ outside prep time)
Crisis Nursery - 2 hrs/wk Sat. 12-2
Convopartners - 1 hr/wk
Psi Chi/UPA - 1 mtg/mo. (total:5+), 4 committee mtgs/events ($60 ->Psi Chi Rm 9 in PsyB mailbox->Connie Rm 10)
TASC? - 1 mtg/mo.; social events
it seems like a lot, but we’ll see. i guess this means no time for dating anyways. no time = no chance = no hoping = no loneliness? screw it, i’m not going into this year again expecting anything romantic to occur. i just want to bond with a lot of different people, work hard in class, encourage the Word, live a Christ-like life, be there for people, not bail out/give up when drama happens, and just enjoy myself and be grateful for what i’ve been given. but i don’t want to seem like i’m living my life like a job…i want to feel like what i do is influential and respectable and that people will want to learn from me. in a way i want to be cool and be commendable at the same time. but i don’t know if those are allowed to fit together. i would just like to ask Jesus if what i want to become is what He wants me to become. if i can still be godly when i listen to secular jazz/blues, wear lots of accessories, apply lots of product in my hair, and write poems that aren’t about Him. am i really allowed to straddle two paths at once? is there a way to do it? how different exactly are ‘living in this world’ and not being ‘of it’? again, maybe i’m just deluded myself, but i get the impression that the good christian not only follows rules, but can’t spare much thought for physical appearances and worldly things. maybe we can, but i’m too afraid that it would be a slippery slope situation for me. if i let myself do so, i’d lose focus fast. maybe this won’t be such a problem once i’m back in that world. maybe it’s just being here in a big city with city people. God, i hope i’m not disappointing you…
it’s almost over here. but bittersweet endings are always the best. here’s what i told dorm:
keep on keepin on nick dorm*
you’ve got plenty of time ahead of you
dont force yourself to do things, but make sure your heart and your mind are in the right place, and everything will fall into place naturally
it’s all about your mindset for serious
and he replied:
“abide in the vine, and you will bear fruit”
abide. i like.
so i just finished reading xangas, and felt a bit inspired. alvin said that mikey said that one of the best ways to know someone is to see what music they listen to, then proceeded to list 10 songs. mine (but i’m adding commentary…and 6 more songs):
1) Wonderful World – James Morrison – sometimes i know it’s a wonderful world, but i can’t always feel it. the difference between knowing and feeling something is something i muse over often.
2) Lucky – Jason Mraz/Colbie Caillat – i wanna do a duet with somebody. seriously though, how nice would it be to be in love with your best friend?
3) All Over Now – Eric Hutchinson – maybe i just like eric’s voice, and the acoustic makes me wanna bob up and down and do a little dance, but this song makes me think of happiness and contentment.
4) How Deep the Father’s Love – I keep singing this to myself when i get sentimental for worship music. but it’s such a beautiful song in lyrics and melody and i only wish i could ‘boast in Jesus Christ’ and Him alone.
5) Far Away – Ingrid Michaelson – I have a new life on a new shoreline…and i wouldn’t mind bearing a girl with strawberry curls. too bad that doesn’t work. perhaps i should get off my barstool and go to that boy.
6) On the Radio – Regina Spektor – i just like regina. she’s so talented. gah. catchy lyrics and eclectic melodies. if only, if only.
7) Forgiven and Loved – Jimmy Needham – aren’t i? i’m working 9 to 6 not to earn my own salvation, but its a struggle trying to figure out what’s me and what’s Him.
8) Good Love is on the Way – John Mayer -dang. JM’s got serious skills. the intro is mind-blowing itself. if i ever meet a man with his voice/guitar skills, i’m so sold. anyways the title ought to be my motto. ha.
9) Golden Train – Justin Nozuka – what’s a golden train? a means to a better place? i like justin’s voice…and his sentiment in this song. again, i’d like a boy to sing such things to me.
10) Footprints in the Sand – Leona Lewis – I always liked that poem/story about Jesus carrying us in our most trying times. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that LL has ridiculous pipes. she seems like a nice girl.
11) I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself A Letter – Madeleine Peyroux – well, i’ve done my best thus far to avoid reaching this level of pathetic-ness. but i can relate. MP’s voice makes me a happy drunk.
12) All That I Need is Love – Melody Gardot – i love melody and her jazz/blues. she makes me want to do an act at a piano bar. ‘the day i will find…my love.”
13) Painter Song – Norah Jones – i’m very imaginative, almost to a fault. so painting memories and scenarios in my mind are fun, but make real life boring and too hard to work for. but i like the lilting tone of this song.
14) New Soul – Yael Naim – it’s fun. la la la la, etc. i could draw lines between being ‘reborn’ into Jesus and realizing what a ‘strange world’ this is. ignorance may be bliss, but i’ve learned better.
15) 崇拜 – 梁靜茹 – i exist in your existence? hopefully i never depend on any man that much. i’d rather exist in the Guy up there. this is me dipping my toes into taiwanese music. i kinda like the sad warbling.
16) This is Home – Switchfoot – didn’t know they had a new song out. i like the theme…y’know, belonging, searching, not turning back. it’s not as hardcore as their last album so i like.
在我生命中
你是唯一的愛…
it seems like the light is so bright that it’s blinding, and i’m stumbling towards it with my hands in front of me, not sure where i’m going but going nonetheless. since last year at school i’ve been on a non-stop track to serving God more and more…not just in my actions and my activities but my entire mindset and attitude. but there’s part of that feels like i’m being brainwashed almost. i lie in bed and just want to raise my arms to the sky and just sway, and i find that weird and almost unbelievable. and i can’t figure out why i want to do it, but can’t do it without feeling fake and uncomfortable, like i’m watching myself from afar and not really doing it myself. i want to feel it, and i want it to be true for me, and i know that it would be amazing to mean it. but the awareness that what i’m doing is ‘odd’ stares me in the face whenever i try lifting my hands are closing my eyes. i’m afraid to close my eyes, like if i do, something could hurt me while i’m not on my guard. where is the faith that i’m protected? i might be more stressed out/paranoid than i think i am. apparently i grind my teeth in my sleep, elsie found a white hair on me, my shoulders are always tensed, and my heart rate is ridiculously high. oh no i’m probably aging faster than i should. shoot. i wanna be at peace…how do i do that? i’ve always been too self-dependent. i’ve only ever entirely trusted myself, and it’s been difficult learning to channel that towards God. I feel like i’m gradually making progress, but i can’t seem to put my own guard down so that He can put His up.
